The difference between a founder and a founding team member
I have worked in 3 startups of different sizes in different roles and I think at least for myself, I have worked really hard and gave my all in every single job I was blessed with. Yet, “my all” today is taken to a whole new level. If I hadn’t taken this leap 3 months ago, I wouldn’t have known that just a mere change in title could really weigh so much more, and mature one so much faster. What has changed?
Decisions
My head is forced to make hard decisions every day and when I’m done deciding one hard decision, I have a different equally hard decision to make. The mind never stops, and the worries never cease either.
All the things I never thought I had to worry about like HR? Worries of over-hiring too soon or not soon enough, what if this actually fails? What if I run out of money? (It’s my 2nd month!). These were known problems when I was a founding member of a startup, but they never bothered me as much as they do now.
Doubts
“Spending is like fireworks, poof and the money is gone, all too fast!”
God bless all my friends and mentors for giving me cute analogies to keep me sane amidst all the craziness.
What the hack was I thinking? Did I validate enough? Will I get my first customer? What if nobody wants to use this? All these doubts and fears wake me up every morning at 4.30am like an automatic alarm clock. The days when I wake up late and cab to work is over. I’m out of the house before there are signs of any other car on the road. And all you wannabe devil advocates, why do I need you when I have me to play that for myself over and over every day, every night, every minute?
Please don’t burn out, please don’t burn out!
I love this adrenaline. I thought it’ll stop once I have adjusted but it’s been a couple of months and I’m still walking with that same spring in my step. I remember the first week, messaging my mentor to ask why am I so energetic and that very fact freaked me out! We all know the saying, the candle that burns twice as bright, last half as long? But what do I do? I could not just shut down? Again, these silly worries were never there when I was VP of Customer Success for someone else’s startup?
Your employees — they will never work as hard as you and really recognising that.
Nowadays I start becoming petty too! How come my team is not doing things right, there is always a spelling error, people can see the color difference in the email you copied and pasted? Wait a minute, another public holiday? Come on!!!
Managing the bank account
Worries and fears while they are new to me, drives me to rethink my strategies everyday, to reconsider and calculate my steps, to be aware that money is put on this table, and this is all I’ve got.
It’s the first time I’ve had to sign so many cheques and the first time I dare not look into my bank account to see the amount I’ve actually spent! I finally took that leap and filed my claims for 2 months and it came up to be almost RM20,000. HOW did I spend so much so fast?
Insecurities or self doubt part 2
Not to mention all the insecurities I have not felt before… Am I too bossy? Am I too nice? Am I paying them too much? Are they stepping all over my head? Am I hard to work with? Am I too trusting?
I had to say 3 redeeming qualities about myself for an interview the other day and all I could think of saying about myself is intense, focus and competitive? WTF!?
Being true to self
The truth is, when I was working for someone else, I never thought as hard about the bottom line. I never gave as much a damn about the junior that’s not performing or the software I had to buy or the imperfect presentation deck because it wasn’t my “responsibility” or my “pocket” but now that it definitely is my responsibility and my diminishing funds that could be better spent elsewhere, the hard decisions has to be made for the betterment of the company.
All I can say is no amount of experience could have prepared me for this. I could have worked another year with another startup and still, these sense of responsibilities would not crop up at all. The enthusiasm, passion and drive, the sleepless nights. All the good, bad and ugly.
