Love letter to my future self.

This is a reminder for when the going gets tough…

Last 4 years I immensely enjoyed my singlehood. I rarely thought about relationships except that one time I fell for a guy in the most unlikeliest place and time. I’ll save that for another post but for most part I was quite contented with my single life. I bought anything I’ve ever wanted, went wherever I wanted with whoever I wanted, as I please.

I knew I always wanted to be with someone but the last 3 relationships were so brutal I couldn’t put myself through another one. At least not for a while. Not when my startup was just picking up and my investor had put in money in me. I couldn’t let anyone down, not me. I failed in many things and I’m not going to let another relationship be the cause of my fall, not my startup.

In a blink of an eye, 3 years went by and I started to long for a partner. By now, I’m quite comfy being alone. Just saying but I want someone to love me, someone to support my dreams and just tell me everything will be ok. For all the things I prayed for, I only ask for someone who is Christ-centered because everything else will be ok if his heart is at the right place – for me, that’s Christ.

I prayed for God to prepare my partner. I prayed for his safety even before I know who he is. I still don’t know who he is. I prayed for peace and for goodnight sleep for the both of us. Some days I would ask God what he was up to. I knew God knows the desires of my heart and he had prepared for me a good guy- like a father would any daughter.

A couple of months ago, I met a guy. I don’t know if he’s the guy but it felt so right. I got scared. Obviously scarred from my past relationships. Probably “karma” for lack of a better word, hitting me back for hurting the guys who truly loved me before. Dating is so much scarier today than it was a decade ago. Because I have a reality I want much more clearer. I have dreams. I missed out on some of the good guys who once loved me but I was too blind to see but was part of my becoming none the less.

To my surprise, he agreed to go to church with me. Something I had asked shakily because I was so afraid he would say no. He might judge me for being too Christian. You see, I’m not really too Christian, I just want to be in a relationship who will get me there. I knew I had skeletons in my own closet that needed to be told. Stigmas I myself would never be able to overcome. I prayed for God to give me the courage.

And He did. He gave me a word through pastor’s prophesy. A word only I knew came truly from God.

In all my life I prayed but never have I ever received a word so clear so vivid that God was rooting for me. Like the heavens is watching and they’re all cheering me on. At least in my drama, it felt that way.

The relationship is still so shaky today but I held strong. I haven’t felt I’ve given it my all. First time, I am persevering. I wouldn’t let go even though I have my doubts. I can’t answer when you ask me why I like him, or what does he like in me. But I just do.

It’s funny, suddenly there’s quite a few suitors coming my way too. All sorts of temptations out to get me. I got so confused. Who would think at 35, aunty Wen still has market?

I don’t know if we’ll be together in a few months time. I know we have so many issues to face but we’ve been so brave together. For that, I’m so grateful. Thank you for not giving up on me. Because I would have given up on me already.

We all have our sets of insecurities, I may be ok at running my business but when it comes to relationships, I haven’t got a grasp of it. I don’t know if I will soon but I’ll keep trying because that’s what faith is, confidence in what we hope for, and assurance of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1.